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Two years ago I went to pride for the first time. I’d been out for 5 years at the time (longer to a few friends). It took me 5 years from coming out to friends and family, and 10 years from coming out to myself. And sure, some of it was social anxiety, some of it was fear of being rejected (by the cishets for being too gay, and by the queer for being too straight), some of it was the fact I don’t know any queer people and I didn’t want to go alone.
Mostly though, it was because I didn’t feel proud. How could I go to PRIDE when I was ashamed? When the words ‘wrong’ and 'disgusting’ kept ringing in my ears. How could I wave a flag in celebration of something I’d spent years trying to pretend didn’t exist, something I’d spent countless waking nights begging to be free from.
Standing in the middle of people dancing and laughing dressed in the rainbow made me realise something though. We don’t have pride because we ARE proud. We have pride to fight for the right to BE proud. I went to pride and I celebrated the thing I’d been ashamed of my entire life. I waved the rainbow flag and I felt less ashamed. It felt like giving my 13 year old self a hug and saying “I know you think you’re all alone, and I know you think youre shameful. I know people you love will tell you that it’s wrong, or disgusting, or a phase. I know it’s not easy. But look around, everyone you can see is here to celebrate and love this part of you. Everyone here wears the rainbow too. You’re not alone.”
I don’t celebrate pride because I’m proud, I celebrate it because it makes me prouder. I celebrate it to give the voices in my head telling me it’s not alright a giant 'fuck you’. I celebrate pride because one day I might finally feel it.
And yes, pride month is about pride, but that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome if you’re still struggling. It doesn’t mean you’re not welcome if you’re not sure. It doesn’t mean you’re not welcome if you’re not proud. Pride is for all of us, always. Even if you can’t celebrate it yet.
Mostly though, it was because I didn’t feel proud. How could I go to PRIDE when I was ashamed? When the words ‘wrong’ and 'disgusting’ kept ringing in my ears. How could I wave a flag in celebration of something I’d spent years trying to pretend didn’t exist, something I’d spent countless waking nights begging to be free from.
Standing in the middle of people dancing and laughing dressed in the rainbow made me realise something though. We don’t have pride because we ARE proud. We have pride to fight for the right to BE proud. I went to pride and I celebrated the thing I’d been ashamed of my entire life. I waved the rainbow flag and I felt less ashamed. It felt like giving my 13 year old self a hug and saying “I know you think you’re all alone, and I know you think youre shameful. I know people you love will tell you that it’s wrong, or disgusting, or a phase. I know it’s not easy. But look around, everyone you can see is here to celebrate and love this part of you. Everyone here wears the rainbow too. You’re not alone.”
I don’t celebrate pride because I’m proud, I celebrate it because it makes me prouder. I celebrate it to give the voices in my head telling me it’s not alright a giant 'fuck you’. I celebrate pride because one day I might finally feel it.
And yes, pride month is about pride, but that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome if you’re still struggling. It doesn’t mean you’re not welcome if you’re not sure. It doesn’t mean you’re not welcome if you’re not proud. Pride is for all of us, always. Even if you can’t celebrate it yet.
